3 Steps to Staying Calm during Toddler Meltdowns
If you have young kids at home, you know that toddlers are a lot. Right alongside the preciousness of witnessing them grow and explore is the fact that they are inherently demanding and very, very messy. What I didn’t realize early in the toddler years is that it’s actually their job to be curious, explore the world, and test boundaries to find out what’s ok and what’s not. This is normal, healthy toddler behavior.
But as a parent of toddlers—especially for parents struggling with anxiety, or who have relational or developmental trauma of their own—raising toddlers can be overwhelming and triggering. In my work as a therapist in Ventura, I often see how this stage of parenting can bring up feelings of guilt, anger, shame, and sadness. For these parents, toddlers' exploration and testing in a healthy, normal way can trigger a past wound that still lives in their psyche and nervous system.
Can you relate? Do toddler meltdowns leave you feeling overwhelmed? Do you feel disproportionately upset when your toddler breaks a rule or does something they’re “not supposed to do”? Do you find yourself blaming or shaming them without meaning to? Or do you behave in a way that aligns with your parenting values but inwardly judge, criticize, or worry about your child? If this is sounding familiar, you’re not alone. This is a very common response among loving, attuned parents who are also carrying their own childhood wounds.
If you’re finding yourself here, read on. As a parent of toddlers, I found myself snapping into a state of irritability and frustration on difficult days or during particularly convincing two-year-old meltdowns. I blamed myself for the upset and worried about how my choices as a mom might impact my kids in the future.
So what changed?
1. I learned that tantrums are a normal part of development.
Kids explore and mess with the things they’re “not supposed to touch” because that’s their job. They cry when they’re upset, and they experience big, loud emotions as part of learning about the world, their feelings, and love and acceptance—especially as they discover how their caregiver responds to those big feelings.
2. I gave myself permission to feel my emotions, too.
I embraced my emotions when they came up, just like I was trying to do for my kids. I learned to acknowledge when I was having an emotion, name it, feel it, and avoid getting swept away by it. I also learned that strong emotions were often signals that I needed to slow down and take care of myself. Sometimes sadness meant I needed a connection or a good cry. Sometimes anger meant I was hungry, exhausted, or needed ten quiet minutes behind a closed door. I learned to respect my emotions as valid and informative, rather than something to suppress or judge.
3. I started finding a way to smile.
Once I understood that my toddler’s meltdowns or “misbehavior” weren’t evidence that I was a bad mom or that my child’s future was doomed, the shame spiral stopped. Because I was tending to my own feelings and needs, I wasn’t carrying bottled-up frustration into difficult moments. Playfulness became more available. We sing, tickle, wrestle, step outside, or pause to notice something beautiful together. These small moments invite warmth and collaboration. During full-blown meltdowns, I focus on holding boundaries with kindness and allowing all the feelings (but not all behaviors). Inside, I remind myself: I’m doing a good job.
If you’re a toddler parent struggling to stay calm during meltdowns or other challenging moments, you’re in good company. Reading this means you’re willing to reflect, grow, and try something new. Parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about course-correcting and building self-awareness along the way. If you’d like more support in parenting during the toddler years, therapy in Ventura can be a powerful space to explore these challenges. Contact me for a free consultation to learn how parent coaching or individual therapy for parents can help.