Fighting with your spouse and not getting anywhere? Try this.
You’re in the middle of a fight, and some small voice in you is saying, “Wait a second, this feels familiar.” Take pause, that’s your intuition trying to help. How often does a fight in your marriage end in a solution? What helps couples get through disagreements? Is it more yelling? Continuing with each person explaining their point of view, but feeling unheard and misunderstood?
Disagreements in marriage can be toxic and cyclical, but they can also be beneficial; a sign of a healthy relationship. They can help us express difficult truths, be honest, and know one another more deeply. Toxic fighting is when either partner becomes overwhelmed by emotion, uses tactics such as blaming, shaming, or criticizing, or creates emotional distance by shutting down or stonewalling. The Gottman Institute has been conducting research for decades on what makes marriages and relationships last. According to the Gottmans, conflict is beneficial when both members of the couple can keep calm, stay respectful, focus on listening openly to one another, and remain open-minded about their partner’s perspective and possible solutions.
If your marriage or intimate relationship is feeling flooded by arguments that never seem to go anywhere, that leave you feeling more alone and misunderstood, or where you or your partner holds a grudge after the argument is over, you’re in a destructive conflict pattern. But don’t stop there. If you recognize yourself and your marriage in these patterns, try these steps to experience healthier disagreements.
Push Pause: Let your partner know you need to pause. You can leave the room if needed, or stay together. Respect your need for pause, even if your partner wants to keep talking. Give yourself as long as you need. It could be 30 seconds, 30 minutes, or you might need to let it go for a day or two. You’ll know when you can re-engage if you’re feeling some distance from the issue and your nervous system has settled (i.e., you don’t feel a surge of adrenaline, you feel a calm sensation in your body).
Take care of yourself: Imagine you’re a child who is in a fight with a friend. The child is upset and needs help separating from the conflict and calming down. When emotions run high, we need to calm down before we can find a reasonable solution. Children benefit from the same kinds of support that adults do. Here are some ideas:
go outside- use your senses to experience the world around you
take a deep breath
Listen to a guided meditation
Take a bath
Take a walk
Take a nap
Drink some water
Check your hunger level
Check your emotions on a feeling wheel
Give your hands, shoulders, ears, face, or head a little massage while taking deep breaths
The important thing isn’t what you do; it’s that you turn the focus toward yourself and offer yourself a grounding, nourishing activity to settle your nervous system.
3. Talk it Through with Someone Else: If the issue feels complicated, is recurring, or you’re feeling a lot of emotion while discussing it with your partner, consider reaching out to a trusted friend, loved one, someone from a spiritual or religious community, or a recovery community. If you don’t have access to someone who can listen with compassion without trying to “fix it,” consider reaching out to a therapist for marriage and relationship counseling. Another option is to try any prayer or meditation practice that connects you to a higher consciousness or higher power that you believe in. Some people engage in journaling to connect with deeper wisdom.
You did it!
You might discover a new insight, greater compassion for yourself and your partner, or you might find that the entire conflict has been diffused. It is a powerful practice of self-care and generosity in your marriage. Relationship patterns don’t change overnight. By opening your mind to trying something new, turning the focus onto yourself and offering yourself grounding and nurturing before revisiting a tough topic, you’re taking a small but profound step in building a more loving and satisfying marriage.
Want more support? We’re here for you!
If you’re still feeling stuck, reach out to get started with marriage and relationship counseling, where I support clients 1:1 in overcoming toxic conflict and cultivating more loving and fulfilling relationships in marriage and long-term partnerships. You can also add your name to the interest list for our next Marriage Lab: a deep-dive, step-by-step online group program that supports women to cultivate loving, connected partnerships.